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” What does it mean to protest suffering, as unique from acknowledging it?” writes Susan Sontag in Relating to the Pain of Others. Recommendation, the recognition of unimaginable pain and loss, is central, it ends up, to recovery. Sorrow professional Alan Wolfelt lists “acknowledging the full reality of the loss” as the first in his ” 6 Needs of Grieving.” But he also notes what many in his field are quick to point out about contemporary culture: “Typical thoughts and sensations connected to loss are generally seen as unnecessary and even shameful.”

The essential work of grieving gets bypassed not just by our own internalized embarassment, however by the unhelpful interventions of others. Megan Devine– author of It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Fulfilling Sorrow and Loss in a Culture That Does Not Understand— explains the main function of acknowledgment, simply being with others in the full scope of their discomfort, in the short animated video above. Much of us are taught to do anything but, to throw out advice and platitudes instead. (Illustrated here by an animated bunny throwing out rainbows.)

Our motives might not be “nefarious,” she states, but– to utilize Sontag’s phrase– attempting to fix somebody’s suffering totals up to a kind of protest versus it. And it only makes things worse. Devine is a psychotherapist and bereaved individual herself. Her book, notes Jane Brody at The New York City Times,”outgrew the awful loss of her precious partner, who drowned at age 39 while the couple was on vacation.” She speaks not in the lingo of a clinician but in the frank language of a fellow sufferer and survivor.

“You do not require platitudes,” she composes on her site, “You do not require cheerleading. You do not need to be told this all took place for a factor. You definitely do not need to be informed that you needed your pain in order to learn something about life. Some things can not be repaired. They can only be carried.”

Being with somebody in their grief is “an extreme act,” says Devine. “In order to really support you, I need to acknowledge that things truly are as bad as they feel to you.” Deals of cheer or advice produce protective barriers. Turning towards someone’s suffering offers them what they require the most: “Being heard helps. It’s the best medicine we have. It makes things better, even when they can’t be made right.”

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is an author and artist based in Durham, NC. Follow him at @jdmagness