DO you lead a comfy suburban life in the UK, however worry and dislike the outside world for no excellent reason? Here’s how to take pleasure in pretending to be oppressed.
Reside in fear of immigrants
Make this non-existent risk a continuous function of your life. Maybe even build defences to keep them out. Put some barbed wire on your shed and futilely try to train your cocker spaniel to ‘Eliminate!’. It’s meaningless but you can groan to your neighbours that you have actually been forced to do it.
Take your paper at face value
If the Express, Mail or Times are full of posts about bolshy trainees grumbling about statues and racism, clearly complimentary speech is a distant memory. Don’t ask yourself if culture war rubbish simply offers papers and gets clicks– your whole truth might come crashing down like The Truman Program.
Do something psychological on Victory in Europe Day
As was typical this year, reveal your love for Britain (ie. England) by doing something strange like developing a three-quarter size WW2 Cromwell tank in your drive by repairing a cardboard turret, weapon and ‘tracks’ to your Ford Focus. This is really typical and not quite ill-mannered in its own way.
Worry about house rates falling
This is not likely to shaft you economically, however drone on about it anyhow. At the same time be furious about your kids not being able to get on the property ladder, but always vote to keep things exactly the same.
Have no empathy with anybody who is not like you
Do not ask why asylum applicants may be undertaking their dangerous journey. Likewise do not ask yourself if life on benefits might be a bit grim. By contrast, be incandescent with rage over small inconveniences to yourself like the council altering the wheelie bin collection days.
Be worryingly paranoid
Think you are continuously being persecuted by everyone from the EU to your regional grocery store. Your sense of victimhood is so entrenched by now you will not stress that you’re starting to go bonkers.
