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1. Purchase hardcover copy of “Infinite Jest” at brick-and-mortar bookstore. Touch paper and feel linked to centuries of printed language. Flash cashier understanding, found out smile. Applaud self for securing book shops from assault of crass digital commercialism.2.

Walk house and experience heft of text as bag manages dig into palm. Accept heaviness as proof of import. Thumb nose at pedestrians who aren’t carrying impressive, heavy books. Feel smug.3.

List book on Goodreads as “existing read,” together with “Team of Competitors” and “War and Peace.” Accept awards for being remarkable to rest of TV-watching generation. Refer to checking out as “yoga for the mind.”

4. Go out for drinks with friends. Talk constantly about book. Restate “yoga for the mind” thing. Accept new function as group sophisticate. Warn good friends about threats of bar limes.5.

Remove book from bag. Prepare to begin journey by enjoying 3 episodes of “Westworld.” Feel puzzled by multiple time lines. Reward self for enduring hours of perplexing eminence tv by viewing one episode of “Jersey Shore: Household Holiday.”

6. Take selfie with book “unintentionally” in background. Post on social media. Respond to dazzled commenters with “I guess size does matter.;-RRB-“

7. Tuck book into public-radio tote and carry around town. Deal Kindle readers on subway chance to smell real paper, like orphans smelling fresh bread.8.

Establish lower-back discomfort from literal, not figurative, weight of book. Go to chiropractic specialist. Suggest modification of waiting-room reading product from Individuals to several copies of “Infinite Jest.” React to doctor’s ask for information about book with generic truths about David Foster Wallace’s usage of unconventional narrative structure and endnotes.9.

Brush up on book on Wikipedia to corroborate thin claim of readership. Begin reading Wikipedia entry several times, however repeatedly get distracted by need to research study use of CBD oil for pet dog anxiety.10.

Have most intelligent good friends over for intellectual supper party. Welcome guests to take turns stating favorite features of book. Devote to memory for later use. Retreat to bed room. Open diary. Write, “I am a SCAMS.”

11. Go on beach holiday. Plan to lastly make progress on book during cross-country flight. Take too numerous barbiturates. Cry while enjoying documentary about “Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood.” Usage book as coaster for beers on beach.12.

Invest years questioning what inability to finish book states about capability to lead successful, delighted life. Scream at book for consuming away at self-confidence. Damage all relationships.13.

Get back late one night. Stare at self in mirror. Repeat: “You are the book and the book is you. You are nothing if not somebody reading ‘Infinite Jest.’ “

14. Start claiming to be on 3rd read.15.

End up being novelist and often go over significant influence of Wallace on own work.16.

Use continues from own composing career to open literary structure devoted to hero, Wallace. Skip ribbon-cutting event to dodge questions.17.

On deathbed, position book on night table. Ask spouse to bring up commitment to text in eulogy. Insure that Times obituary mentions withstanding passion for “Infinite Jest.” Be buried with book.18.

Get to heaven in spite of lifetime of lies. Find Wallace. Express love for book and discreetly inquire what book was actually about. Zone out when description is long and complex.