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We took a trip out to among the most active cities in America right now, Portland. It became excessive to sit by and see many fascists marching easily on television with all their teeth still intact, so we loaded a few baseball bats and jumped on an aircraft to report on some of the action. Little did we understand we would wind up further far from any demonstrations or excitement at all; we flew to Maine rather of Oregon.

After binge-watching Portlandia on the aircraft, we rapidly realized we got here in a city we weren’t at all gotten ready for: Portland, Maine. We anticipated to see a flaming Macy’s department store and some polices running afraid shitless from some protestors, instead we arrived in the middle of the Maine Lobster Festival. Apparently East Coast locals have a strange fascination with huge sea roaches.

Portland was alright, we would have preferred to see cyclist gang brawls in Oregon rather of clam chowder taste testing in Maine, but we enjoyed ourselves. One chef even sat down and showed us how to shell and cook an entire lobster.

Combating facism would have been pretty cool however you understand what else is cool? Clarified butter.

After 5 minutes, we discovered that shelling a lobster is fucking hardcore, almost as hardcore as after we used the Port-O-Johns that lined the streets of the festival. We never believed we ‘d have a lot enjoyable maiming and dismembering the corpse of a substantial red crustacean, yet here we remain in Maine twisting some pincers and peeling the exoskeleton off this huge motherfucker. As much as we wanted to maime and dismember some Nazi punks, I highly doubt they ‘d taste as excellent in a soup as this lobster.

We are sorry for losing out on drum circles, campfires in the streets, and cutting a couple Proud Boys to size, however we all concurred we are now effectively equipped to take down a belligerent fascist in the coming civil war. As long as they’re 3-4 pounds and currently dead.

The post We Went to the Wrong Portland today We Understand How To Shell a Lobster appeared initially on The Hard Times.